Local News

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman attempting to demolish some of her tax return at Westfields has yet again returned home empty handed, having been faced with the option to either pay $40 for a poorly made top that would probably begin to unravel after a few turns in the washing machine, or spending an obscene amount for a fancy singlet. Struggling...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT Betoota local Brendan Kaur (35) has hit a sobering milestone—he now has to consider “how many stairs there are” when planning a holiday. While flipping through travel guides for inspiration, Brendan found himself crossing entire regions off the list based solely on the steepness of their hills. “I’d love to see Machu Picchu,” he sighed, “but those stairs...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Betoota Heights freak Jenny Malone is celebrating the news that language app Duolingo has officially released a course in Simlish, a type of pidgin English used The Sims video game series. "I honestly thought this day would never come," said the 24-year-old. "I’ve been practicing Simlish on my own for years, but now I can actually...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT After carefully budgeting and promising herself she’d “eat out less,” local woman Sophie Brooks (29) has arrived at a grim truth: making Pad Thai at home isn’t just more expensive—it’s far more demoralising than ordering it from her local Thai place, ‘Wok This Way’. Armed with high hopes and a recipe blog full of convoluted ingredient swaps, Sophie...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTBetoota Hills local Tim Davids (29) has unlocked a new tier of adulthood, achieving the perfect mix of disposable income, existential boredom, and loneliness required to really “get into watches.” Newly single after what he described as "a mutual, totally chill breakup" (she dumped him), Tim says he’s found comfort in the mechanical hum of automatic chronographs. “I’ve always...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT A local Bondi man has awkwardly had to wave off tourists and art enthusiasts who mistook him for an avant-garde art display at Sculptures by the Sea. Brenton Young (32), the son of a wealthy mining tycoon, has lived in Bondi for over 10 years and now practically considers himself a local. Much like his contemporaries who moved to the suburb...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA local mother of 3 who verges on cardiac arrest whenever she sees graffiti in her local Queensland suburb has had a surprising change of tone on her weekend visit to Melbourne. Debbie Walsh (59), recently decided on a spontaneous trip to the nation's southern city, hoping to soak up the culture of the former number 1 most livable...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman trying to watch a period drama made in the US has unfortunately been unable to get lost in the story this week, as she was too busy being distracted by the lead  actress’s perfect teeth and swollen lips. Having been a fan of period drama since her first viewing of BBC production of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ at...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactColes CEO Leah Werkett has today told the press that even though these stories about the cockatoo living in Campelltown Coles are pretty funny, that little arsehole will be expected to spend a couple of hours manning the till to work off all those brioche buns she ate. For those who haven’t been inundated with stories of the cost...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman who still insists she’s not addicted to her vape has been spotted hyper fixating on her friend’s every hand movement today, after letting her bum a couple of puffs, it’s reported. Like a dog patiently waiting for its ball back, Dawn Dumont, 26, could be seen quite visibly waiting for her friend Georgie to finish up...