Local News

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTIn shocking news, it’s been reported that a local woman is experiencing one of those wholesome organic hangovers after a long night of drinking organic wine—ironically, in a futile attempt to avoid a hangover. Lina Townsend (27) is no stranger to a weekend hangover but has found that lately, they’ve become much harder to deal with. While Lina acknowledges that...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The federal government's new social media restrictions for under-16s are already producing unintended consequences in regional Australia, with melted wheelie bins now appearing on local cricket pitches. In Betoota Heights, the latest incident has left the town's beloved Betoota Dugongs scrambling to repair their scorched wicket ahead of this Saturday’s clash with the Windorah...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT A romantic evening in Betoota’s French Quarter took a disastrous turn last night for local woman Sarah Palmer (27), as she watched her dating life flash before her eyes upon the grim sight of her cracked, yellow-stained retainer sitting front and center on her bathroom sink.Sarah had been pulling out all the stops during her date with...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Local hospitality veteran and self-described "pub dining visionary" Gavin McAllister, owner of the newly revamped Copperplate Dining Hall in Betoota’s rapidly gentrifying French Quarter, has taken aim at the federal government’s recent crackdown on migration and international student visas. McAllister claims the move is a "death knell" for Australia’s hospitality industry and a "kick...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn a baffling display of social faux pas, local woman Tiffany Carr (26) unwittingly triggered a wave of collective eye-rolls by bringing her boyfriend, Mitch Jones, to a girls' night at a wine bar in Betoota's French Quarter.What was meant to be a sacred space for wine-fueled gossip and emotional venting quickly derailed when Tiffany strolled in,...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTIn a stunning revelation, an all-girlie share house in Betoota’s French Quarter has been embroiled in a covert cycle of chocolate theft and replacement, The three housemates—Lucy, Tash and Chloe—are believed to have been sneakily raiding each other’s secret choccie stashes for months. However, it appears none of them have come clean, choosing instead to perpetuate an unspoken...

CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACTAfter a long day at the auto repair shop, local Betoota Heights dad Paul Drummond (61) has perfected his post-work wind-down routine: sprawling out on the couch like a king on his throne, blasting mindless Facebook Reels on his phone at ear-splitting volume.At precisely 6:30 PM, Paul’s nightly viewing marathon begins, featuring an eclectic mix of dashcam...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A glorified content pig thought he could go back to sleep this morning for a split second after seeing he had an email from Oz Lotto in the early hours. The email confirmed that Errol Parker, a senior journalist and editor-at-large of this masthead, was a winner in last night's super prize draw. For a...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A 74-year-old Betoota Grove resident has unwittingly ignited a debate about social media restrictions after an AI-generated meme went viral this week. The meme, which features a crude image of a farmer with his sheep accompanied a message that 'Not one acre of Aussie land should be owned by trans people," struck a nerve...

INGRID DOULTON | Lady Writer | Contact A local man who has trouble admitting he doesn’t know much about pretty much any topic has made a seamless transition from entry-level residential real estate to personal training this year. This time last year, Betoota Heights man Quincey O’Keefe (or “Queef,” as his friends call him) was a glorified door opener. As a leasing...