Sports

Australia is out of the FIFA World Cup after a dispiriting 2-0 loss to already-eliminated Peru to finish bottom of Group C. Even though our place at the bottom was more a result of things just not going our way in three different matches - no amount of explaining will be able to keep the vast number of Australians interested...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local sports fan has informed colleagues today that the Socceroos can win this game tonight, if, they put Tim Cahill on the field. “Bloody hell it’s frustrating,” the man named Max Holt from Betoota’s Golf Course Estate said in the office today. The accountant at a bespoke firm in the CBD has told his fellow office...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It is the right of every person to follow their dreams - no matter where it might take them. Sadly, Marcus Meridius' dreams have taken him to the nation's most overrated, expensive and boring hellscape. Sydney. Fresh from their victory last night in year's State of Origin series, many New South Welshfolk have their tales up this morning...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Celebrations are breaking out across the premier state as New South Wales claims its second State of Origin series win in 12 years with Sydney festivities getting particularly rowdy over several schooners of hot chocolate. Blues fan Ollie Henderson (28) stated he knew he was going to have a big night if New South Wales won and stated...

The teams for State of Origin Game 2 have been confirmed an hour before kick-off, with no changes for either side ahead of the big clash at ANZ Stadium. However, the boys are trying a different approach this round. With Queensland players preparing to remember what they've talked about, dig deep, and remembering to back themselves. The preparation for the Queensland...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Blues fan and corporate slave Murray Anderson (31) has already begun emailing colleagues to inform them that he'll see how he goes, but he's a bit fluey. “My head hurts a bit. Hope I’m not coming down with anything.” In previous State of Origin series, Anderson has scheduled a fake dentist appointment on a Thursday morning, allowing himself some time...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The nation's AFL fans have today submitted an official inquiry to Channel 7, demanding to know what the did wrong to get yelled at by footy commentator Cameron Ling. What was once thought to be a run-of-the-mill ex-player getting a little bit excited about good Aussie rules football has now gotten to the point where people think they might...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In what commentators are already calling “Australian sports even-more-darkest day” Nation Rugby League team the Parramatta Eels have lost their match during their bye round, despite not even playing a game of football. Parramatta coach Brad Arthur states he is disappointed with today's result as the Eels become the first team to ever be unsuccessful...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Spero Bartzis, a 62-year-old from Brisbane's West End, has spent the last 3 and half hours hosing down his concrete driveway. The weathered grandfather of twenty-seven smiles as he blasts a high-powered garden hose onto his 'front lawn' - when asked why he dedicates so much time and water to this task, Mr Bartzis simply responds "It's Friday, moit" Often...

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports | Contact Princess Mary Of Denmark has told The Advocate that reporters from both Denmark and here in Australia have asked her where her allegiances were tonight. Rather than divide the two nations, the Tasmanian has said the greatest victory has already been won. "It was nice to see the Ansett of Australian telecoms, Optus, get some egg on...