Sports

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Minister of Home Affairs Peter Dutton has spent the last five hours at the departure gate of Brisbane international, signing off African Commonwealth Games athletes. This comes after the hysteria surrounding news that up to eight Cameroonian nationals had disappeared from athlete's village, in an attempt to avoid returning home. Dutton says that while he agrees the pointless sports fair...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The unsinkable Bruce McAvaney has presented some of the highest-profile sporting events to grace the nation's sporting calendar. They include the AFL Grand Final, Melbourne Cup, Australian Open and Summer Olympics - but this year, he's looking to add another to that list. "The Boxing Day Test will be huge for me this year," he told...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT One of Betoota's most prominent homosexuals, Jordie, has today declared that he'd gladly face a fundamentalist Christian afterlife if Israel Folau jumped the fence. This comes after the happy clapping former-Wallabies player was sacked by rugby Australia after writing that gay people were “destined for hell unless they repent” on an Instagram post. However, Jordie says that somehow this has...

LEROY PERVICAL | Goldie | CONTACT Commonwealth Games competitors residing at the athletes village have today come out in frustration of the games’ cyclists taking over the village cafe and hogging all the copies of The Courier Mail. Athletes say that their morning routines and mental preparations are being ruined as the cafe is completely over run with lycra-clad cycling groups, all vying for the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sports commentators say they are shocked by revelations coming out of Wollongong this week, after it was reported that NRL prodigy Brodie Bevan (22) was able to call it a night after three full-strength schooners. The Illawarra-original is currently playing in Sydney and already hyped for his first Blues jersey after only two and half years of of first...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact With Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s 30-Newspoll losing streak dominating the headlines more than any of policies he’s introduced, former Australian test cricket captain Michael Clarke has offered to step up and come out of retirement for a stint as Liberal Party leader. “Obviously it’s a tumultuous time for Malcolm and the boys and I’m willing...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The ongoing effects of colonialism and British rule appeared lost on our visiting Royal yesterday, after he completely forgot that the island nation of Papua New Guinea still belonged to his family. Prince Charles was seen looking shocked on the sidelines of the men's weightlifting event last night, after Papua New Guinea lifter Steven Kari won gold in the...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact In a selfless act of charity, one of the greatest top order batsmen the nation will ever produce has toyed with the idea of making a Test return to 'steady the ship' - which hasn't stopped rocking since the ball-tampering saga first made waves two weeks ago. Neil Harvey, the last remaining member of the 1948 'Invincibles' team that toured...

LEROY PERCIVAL | Editor | CONTACT As controversial batsman David Warner continues to weigh up whether he will appeal the sanctions placed upon him for the infamous ball-tampering scandal, the Australian Fashion Police (AFP) have introduced their own fresh charges against him after he appeared on television last night wearing a cashmere sweater wrapped around his neck. Warner again came under fire when he was seen in full view of the...

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | Contact The close-knit Waratah's team has thrown their support behind teammate Israel Folau this today as he comes to terms with the fact that his childhood hero, singer-songwriter Peter Allen, is currently burning in hell. Allen, who passed away at age 48 from an AIDS-related illness, chose to live his life as a gay man for latter part of his professional...