Sports

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT In a desperate bid to find absolutely anyone in Australia who cares about the Socceroos disappointing Asian cup departure, round-ball enthusiast, Jules Roberts (33) has gone above and beyond today. Embarking on a quest to seek sympathy from the only people who might actually give a shit, or even just know about the elimination: the elderly patrons at a...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT Proud Italian-Australian, Gianluca Di Bianchi (27), swears he knew that Sinner bloke before he won the Australian Open claiming that, "Italians just do it better mate". According to Gianluca, he had been keeping his eye on the rising star for years. Despite having only been to Italy once and not speaking the language, like many Italian-Australians, Gianluca has a...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A music industry professional has this weekend been forced to put in quite a shift. Bowen Hills (28), a DJ at popular Fortitude Valley Establishment Cloudland had to keep the vibes pumping for over 12 hours last night after a rather rowdy group of revellers turned up. The group in question was the West Indian cricket team, who...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australia's dominant first day of the first Test against the West Indies in Adelaide has gone down as well as everyone thought it would, aside from opener Steve Smith's first innings ending early. The Windies were bowled out for 188 not long after tea, and Smudge wasn't too far behind them after being dismissed for 12. As Australia bat it...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A reactively unknown player has today made headlines after a spectacular meltdown at the Australian Open. The 100 and something ranked wildcard caused a scene yesterday afternoon by threatening the umpire, a linesman, and numerous members of the crowd. The incident occurred during the fiery player's heated 2nd round match against some Argentinian 29th seed. With the player previously...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man with tickets to a premier sporting event is going to need a Plan B, it can be confirmed today. William Hope, a moderately liked construction lawyer from our town's Ford Raptor capital of Betoota Heights, is planning on heading down to Adelaide this weekend for the cricket. However, given it's first week back at the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The eager beavers at in the stands at the Adelaide Oval have today been left bemused after a rather unusual spectacle out in the middle. With Australia set to take on the last blokes in the Caribbean interested in playing Test cricket, a retired David Warner has shocked onlookers by jet packing down onto the pitch ahead of...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT For the first time since the 5th century BC, it seems the Chinese Zodiac predictions might be entirely wrong this year. Even the name of 2024 is wrong, with very few Australians under the impression that this could really be the Year Of The Dragon. According to the Chinese Horoscope 2024, the dragon represents authority, prosperity, and good fortune. Those...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The star of the summer blockbuster movie 'Saltburn', Australian actor Jacob Elordi has become a household name right around the world in recent months. But before that, he had well and truly established himself as a teen heart throb in his role as the twisted bisexual jock 'Nate' in the American HBO high school drama series Euphoria. While the debate...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In recent NRL news that instills a refreshing feeling of purgatory in long-suffering West Tigers fans, the club's entire board was sacked last week. This means the Tiger's colourful chairman Lee Hagipantelis will now have to return to his previous career as a hardboiled detective with a troubled past. In a rare non-cocaine-orgy related NRL story during the game's off...