The Nation

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The world is today breathing a sigh of relief, after Russian President Vladimir Putin made a shock announcement. The authoritarian leader of one of the world's largest oligarchys has revealed that he will be withdrawing his nation's troops from the neighbouring nation of Ukraine. Surprisingly, the welcome decision to end the war in Ukraine comes after Putin reportedly...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Attendance at BodyFunk 24/7 in Betoota Heights has began to recede back to mid-December levels this week to the delight of regulars and staff alike. As is the case every year, dozens of guilt-riddled denizens of our town flock to their local gym with the belief that this year will be different for them. In...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has today decided to boycott the Boxing Day test, and will keep his television tuned to the Sydney To Hobart yacht race instead. Today's decision to deprive himself of fantastic cricket marks yet another escalation in Peter Dutton's mission to simply pretend Australia is not a multicultural country, and is actually a 1990s Qantas commercial...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local son, nephew and grandson has today melted hearts in a Betoota Heights home.  The extremely cute little moment from the little fella came courtesy of some extremely sticky sugar based treats purchased by dad - and a nice little dose of toxic plastic chemicals leaching out of the packaging they came in.  “Oh look...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The usual banter has ground to a standstill in a local group chat as no one is quite sure how to react to their friend’s obscure work update. At 10:15 am, during the usually slower group chat hours, chat member Kieran Wilson posted that the reason he had been so busy was because his company had updated their logo....

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact The ABC's greatest television export continues to go from strength to strength, as Australia's favourite cartoon canine Bluey is set to hit the silver screen. A co-production between BBC Studios and the Walt Disney Company have today announced that a feature film based off the hit Australian cartoon TV show will be hitting cinemas in 2027. Series creator Joe Brumm...

MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACTA local millennial man Jared Heath (35) has today reaffirmed his belief that the kids need to go touch some grass.The man, who has a huge burn mark across his hand from a botched sparkler bomb accident in 1993, claims that the kids are far better off when they’re not in the house using technology.“Remember that game where...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The NSW defacto leader Chris Minns has made a rare admission this morning that dealing with the rail and bus union this year has been rather stressful for him and Minister Jo Hayden. Sydney, the largest open air sewer in the southern hemisphere, is a very expensive place to live and for rail and bus...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact A local uncle has decided that christmas time is the perfect day to introduce his new lover, who just so happens to be a good three decades younger than him. Arriving hand in hand with a girl who was way out of his league, Dan Parker, 56, at least had the sense to have a slightly reporaochful look in...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The silly season is reaching its peak, it can be confirmed this afternoon.  This comes after a local Betoota Heights hedonist Ethan Banes decided to rip into another round of glass sandwiches, and get his car towed home from the pub.  “Yeah fuck it lol,” laughed the young man running on bacon and egg roles, schnitty’s, coffee and alcoholic beverages.  “I’ll...