World News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The world's most entitled and lucky generation is today preparing for its latest blessing - World War 3. After being graced with a Global Financial Crisis, stalled wage growth, decreasing workplace conditions and security, an overinflated housing bubble, and a major health crisis that has brought the world to its knees - the generation that just gets everything...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Things are looking grim in the places like Moscow and St Petersberg today, with the reality of war starting to take hold. Barely a day after Australia announced its strong economic sanctions, the people of Russia have found themselves queuing around the block in order to get food to put on the table. Widespread shortages have been reported...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As the nation wakes up to another grim day of news, a polite request has been submitted for everyone to just fucking woo up a little bit. This comes after it emerged that Russian tanks have moved into two Eastern provinces of Ukraine, with numerous public figures claiming that the invasion of Ukraine has begun. Russia has formally...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the situation escalates on the Ukrainian border, all hope for a ceasefire pact seems to be fading by the minute. Russian President Vladimir Putin’s decision to recognise the independence of two separatist regions of Luhansk and Donetsk in eastern Ukraine has drawn condemnation from all over the world, with the NATO chief calling it a violation of international agreements. While Putin's...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Defence Minister Peter Dutton is frantically trying to redirect a parcel of new tanks to Ukraine this morning after Russian leader Vladamir Putin decided to get the ball rolling on annexing the resource-rich state. The parcel of third-hand billion-dollar M1 Abrams tanks is currently between the United States and Australia, according to Mr Dutton's...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's Defence Minister has had to consume a little bit of humble pie today. Peter Dutton has been forced to issue a formal apology to global superpower China, after it was revealed where the source of this alleged laser pointing came from. This comes after Dutton kicked on with his Peter the Protector for PM campaign over...

The whole world is today united in their request for President Vladmir Putin to settle down cunt, as the biggest country in Europe looks set to invade the second biggest country in Europe. "Pull ya head in brus. Just let it go" said the world. "Don't worry about it. Settle would ya" The calls for the Russian President to woo up a...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT As the world furiously sweats over the possibility of a full-scale war erupting on the Ukraine-Russian border, one local newsagent is on standby to make some changes to their cartography products. Armed with a Staedtler Lumocolor 352 Permanent Black Marker and a fresh pair of scissors, South Betoota Newsagency owner Darrell Gibson (53) is standing at the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some exciting news from the Eastern European nation of Ukraine - Gus Gould is in the building! The iconic Rugby League commentator and personality has reportedly been flown over to provide a special occasion pre-game monologue for the global conflict about to kick off in Ukraine. On the eve of battle between the initial 130,000 Russian deployment...

CLANCY OVERELL  | Editor | CONTACT What started as an unexpected celebrity romance, has since turned into a historic moment in American pop culture, as American comedian Pete Davidson experiences the unbridled chaos that comes with dating a Kardashian. He joins a long list of NBA and NFL players, business figures, socialites and musicians who have been burnt by America's royal family. However, unfortunately for...