World News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Portuguese footballing superstar Cristiano Ronaldo is causing a bit of a scene, it can be confirmed today. The Juventus forward is doing so in some under the pump European hospital where he is being treated for COVID-19. The already overworked staff have revealed that Ronaldo is continually diving on the floor whenever they try and administer some treatment...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact Cetacean experts have called on all migrating whales to download the latest GPS map updates following the recent mass stranding in Tasmania, an island off the coast of Australia.   Late last month almost 400 pilot whales died when they beached themselves at Macquarie Point. The whales were first noticed on September 21, when a group of 270 males with...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT US Presidential hopeful Joe Biden has revealed a bold election campaign ploy today. The Democratic Leader has reportedly contacted Stone Cold Steve Austin to hire him to pay Donald Trump a visit if he goes back into hospital. President Trump is currently out and about after leaving the hospital following only 3 days of treatment, however, plenty of...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The militant supporters of Donald Trump have taken his advice today and are refusing to let this horrible virus dominate their lives. President Trump was discharged from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center and returned to the White House on Monday evening, where he took his mask off and gave his die-hards a double thumbs up - before violating...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The United States Government has today shocked its citizens by announcing it has begun trialling free health care for broke senior citizens. This landmark policy moment comes after one of their elderly residents whose tax returns say he might not be worth anywhere near as much as he claims to be, came down with the deadly virus over...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT American news outlets have today released footage of President Donald Trump arriving at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, where the White House says he will remain hospitalised for "the next few days." to monitor his COVID-19 symptoms. Emerging from the White House residence at 6:16 p.m. ET for his first public appearance since announcing 16 hours earlier he...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some breaking news from the United States Of America, Donald and Melania Trump have officially recorded more cases of community transmission than the entire state of Queensland. This comes after the President and First Lady were both diagnosed with the virus, which they publicly refused to acknowledge until it started getting a bit too full-on. The President...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT US President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump have tested positive for COVID-19. And that has led the nation, rightly or wrongly, to issue the statement - fucking lol. “Tonight, (the first lady) and I tested positive for COVID-19,” the president tweeted. “We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately." It's believed the President is currently trying...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The first of the US Presidential debates has come and gone today, with 90ish minutes of three old white codgers talking over the top of each other. As political pundits around the globe watched on, many have since come to the sad realisation that this was the cream of the crop. "Fark, is that really the best the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The elderly post-war migrants currently berating each other outside the Hellenic Cafe in Betoota's Flight Path District appear to be quite measured when compared to the two geriatrics currently debating each other on stage in Cleveland, Ohio. The argument, which appears to be about something as trivial as whether or not the young kids have it too easy these...