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Comrade Dutton Heartbroken By The News That The Neoliberal Wall Street Shill Has Beaten Bernie

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Senator Bernie Sanders has ended his presidential campaign today, clearing Joe Biden's path to the Democratic nomination and a showdown with President Donald Trump in November. It is believed the progressive had become too concerned by the amount of working class Americans risking their health to go outside to vote for him in the Democratic primaries during COVID-19 lockdown....

Unprecedented: White House Confirms President Trump Only Running Off 6 Hours Sleep A Night

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In good news for the United States Of America, the White House is today reporting that President Donald Trump has finally decided to take his country's COVID-19 outbreak seriously. As Australians adapt to the new normal that could our state-enforced social distancing measures in place until June - many of the Americans are still treating the coronavirus like a...

“They Better Not Thank God For This” Says Exhausted Vaccine Scientist Pulling 20 Hour Shifts

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the Australian public and government rapidly reacquaint themselves with the importance of science and organisations like the CSIRO - thousands of our greatest minds continue to run trial and errors tests on possible vaccinations and cures for the COVID-19 virus. After decades of stripping resources from science in an effort to silence any grave warnings about future health...

“Not This Year, Earth Hour”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Unless you are directly receiving emails from the official organisation, then it might surprise you that Earth Hour took place at 8pm last night. Earth Hour is an annual worldwide event held to encourage individuals, communities, and businesses to turn off non-essential electric lights, for one hour, from 8:30 to 9:30 p.m - on a specific day towards the...

American Out Of Toilet Paper Forced To Wipe With A Gun

LOUIS BURKE | Investigation | CONTACT At the time of writing, the USA is now leading the world in confirmed cases of COVID-19 with President Donald Trump reassuring the public he is a ‘wartime president’ who will step in once the deadly virus has ‘claimed Hillary Clinton.’ While none are surprised to hear the USA isn’t doing well against a threat they can’t drone strike,...

North Korea Praised For Closing Borders To Protect Civilians From Virus

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In an unexpected move, the World Health Organisation has praised North Korea for beating the coronavirus, with a reported zero cases, on par with it’s previous personal best in February which also featured zero reported cases. Despite the entirely believable claims from the country, some other countries have reacted with scepticism. US President Donald Trump even offered anti-epidemic assistance...

British Press Frantically Scheme How To Blame ‘That Witch’ For Further Infecting The Royal Family

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT As British Royal Family enthusiasts freak out about Prince Charles' Covid-19 diagnosis, the UK press are frantically trying to figure out how to pin the blame on Meghan Markle. The 71-year-old reportedly contracted the coronavirus yesterday and is currently receiving the best medical treatment one could possibly get. However, while the Royal Family come to terms with how...

You Know In Europe, They Kiss On Both Sides Of The Elbow

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Greeting people in 2020 can be awkward enough: Do you bop fists? Go in for an elbow bump? or just give 'em the finger pistols. Throw COVID-19 in the mix and it's even trickier. Some people don't like being touched in general, but these kinds of personal space measures can be severely exaggerated during a global pandemic that has the...

Media Urged To Only Refer To 2020 COVID-19 Pandemic As “These Uncertain Times” To Avoid Panic

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As of five days ago, The World Health Organisation has announced that COVID-19 is a pandemic. The situation is changing rapidly over the world, with more than 226,800 confirmed cases of COVID-19 around the world and more than 9,500 deaths. In Australia, there have been 709 confirmed cases of COVID-19 as of 6.30am this morning. That's up from 144 new cases since 6.30am yesterday. But that...

Compilation Of Celebrities Singing ‘Imagine’ Somehow Actually Worse Than Global Outbreak Of COVID-19

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Hundreds of thousands of people are now suffering from a new illness caused by watching celebrities assuming the public cares what they have to say during a national disaster. Not since the 2016 election of Donald Trump has the world experienced such a cringeworthy spectacle of self-importance from celebrities who feel the need to speak out. This comes as Hollywood...

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