CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Rising Young Liberal member, Angus Hopscotch-Thorley (22) has today realised that the last five years he has spent wearing three-piece suits and taking university politics way too seriously still isn’t enough for dad to love him.
From the moment he finished his end of year exams at high school, Angus has attended fortnightly meetings for the Young Liberals in his local area – in an attempt to win over his Howard-era conservative father who very rarely says nice things to him.
“Ever since I can remember Dad has always been talking about politics and how the Greens are fucking up our country,”
“The moment I left school I bought myself a Tarocash suit and joined my closest branch,”
“After five years of debating, campaigning and working as an unpaid staffer for local candidates. I was promoted to Branch Deputy President. That means tailored three-piece and RMs”
“I don’t think my dad even knows that I’m a young lib. I don’t even think he knows I still live at home,”
“There’s much better things to do than piss away all your time in pubs. For example, you can always join Rotary or the young libs. I think the lock-out laws are a good thing for this country”
58-year-old Jock Thorley says Angus was a good kid, but should have stuck with his footy.
“I was putting in a few phone calls during his senior year. I had blokes from the Brumbies and the Reds keen to have a look at the kid – but he comes home one day and tells me he wants to study law”
“These bloody kids don’t have a clue. I put my neck on the line to get that kid a start in the Super Rugby – but he chose to rebel and waste time on his counterculture rubbish,”
“His academics were never that good, he should have listened to me.”
While wiping tears from his aryan blue eyes – Angus says the Liberal party has gone soft – and that it his duty to bring it back to a level of conservatism that would impress his father – and possibly result in a hug.
“This Turnbullism is still hanging around. For too long we have been pandering to the homosexual left and environmental extremists”
“I will bring this party back to it’s former glory. I will make my father proud”
