Local Tennis Prodigy Has Too Much Ticker To Represent Australia

IMRAN GASHKORI | Sports Editor | CONTACT

Local Australian tennis prodigy, Theo Fukinakakas (11) has been informed by the games greats that he is too much self-discipline to represent Australia.

Despite boasting an unbeaten record in state representative tennis, the South Betoota Boys High student has been shunned by both his local district as well as the greater tennis community.

Coaches, ex-players and overly protective, unfulfilled fathers all agree. The boy is too much of a good kid.

“Nah, not a chance, aye” says Ivan*, the father of a notoriously shit bloke and current Australian tennis star.

Ivan (name changed) believes that Australian tennis depends upon egotistical sociopaths who feel like they are above the law – a trait not yet present in young Theo.

“I know what you are all thinking and yes, it is true. The boy definitely has enough ‘wog’ in him,”

“But I’ve met his parents, I’ve met him. There’s too much respect there,”

“He’s not at that ‘brat’ level. He’ll never be able to generate the love/hate complex that the current pros have mastered. My son included.”

According to former piece-of-shit and relatively competitive Australian tennis veteran, Mark ‘The Scud’ Philippoussis (39), tennis in Australia has been on a gradual decline ever since the Australian Institute of Sport stopped funnelling cash into the pockets of aggressive Eastern European coaches during the lead up to the 2000 Olympics.

“Mate, in the ’90s they were throwing cash at us. It was like NASA,”

“There was no way they could have had us boys playing at home and not bringing home any medals, so they spent a lot of time and money cultivating our egos,”

“These days it pretty much comes down to whether or not the kid has come from a dysfunctional household with an abusive stage-father,”

“As far as I can see, all Theo has been exposed to is a supportive and encouraging upbringing. That’s not going to be enough… He needs to hate himself,”

Philippoussis went on to warn the nation’s hopeful parents-of-sports-stars against showing any form of ‘love’ towards their athletically gifted children. He says it gives them a false sense of security and unproductively high level of self-esteem, and that these distractive emotions are what steers away from the traditional Australian Tennis mission statement: Win, or sleep outside with the dogs tonight, you useless little cunt.

“That’s not how we breed stars in Australia. Even Lleyton was a bit of a fuckwit in his younger years,”

“The moment the Australian public began cheering for him, he stopped winning matches,”

“Call it what you will, but between the fans and Bec, there was far too much love. He didn’t hate himself enough. He began to look at alternative ways to fill the gap that had been left in his heart by the people he considered heroes,”

With the Australian Open in full-swing, it seems Australia’s ultimate no-good-cunt, Nick Kyrgios, is back to his old ways by leaving at least 80% of the tournament’s audiences praying for him to be murdered in cold blood.

Kyrgios, and his notably less-talented older brother, have spent the last few days bouncing between court side outbursts and offensive twitter tirades. Local child psychology, Bernadette Stevens, says this is a result of being raised in front of tennis ball projectiles.

“The poor young things haven’t learnt the basic social skills required to be left alone in a public place,”

“They are full blown sociopaths… Especially that brother of his,”

“Imagine being raised in your younger brother’s shadow, without any real talent of your own,”

“I wouldn’t wish it upon my son’s cruelest school bullies. Those poor boys never learnt to love.”