LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
With Australia deciding they have heard just enough about an unvaxxed Serbian hotel room enthusiast who is really good at hitting a ball, Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing is hoping that a new debate will dominate the news cycle before anyone realizes cough testing is being privatized.
At the time of writing, state governments are working towards a system where people can log their positive rapid antigen test results from home, because paying $20 upwards for a RAT and using an online government portal while sick are two things that everyone will just love to do.
After denying free RATs for all and somehow making cricket more confusing for casuals, Scotty has continued to scapegoat the world’s number 1 biohazard Novak Djokovic in the hope that Australians will forget about the price of RATs and rally together to tell a foreigner to fuck off home.
However, the news about the unvaxxed Djokovic is wearing a little thin, which is why Scotty is hoping that the mild salsa that is the Australian news cycle will move away from discussing how Djokovic stole Orthodox Christmas and instead rekindle the Australia Day debate that always kicks off around two weeks before January 26th.
Taking place on the anniversary of the arrival of the First Fleet, Australia Day is known as Invasion Day by many.
Counter to this, are the 48% of Australians who believe Australia Day should remain on January 26th and not on any Friday or Monday so you always get a long weekend like how it was done before 1994.
But a good old debate about something like this really sells newspapers, especially during a time where the PM would rather talk about anything other than his RAT mismanagement.
“I think it is a date for all Australians,” stated the Prime Minister, temporarily forgetting people can’t hear the first couple of sentences he says in his head before he starts speaking.
“I don’t want there to be a debate about it but please do feel free to discuss it at length for the next bit of time. After all, I’m not going anywhere! Haha. I’m actually not. Don’t Google it.”
