United Patriots Front adds ‘al fresco’ and ‘a la carte’ to cuisines they hate

20 May, 2016. 15:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

JOINING HALAL AND OTHER international dishes, the United Patriots Front has announced today that ‘al fresco’ and ‘al a carte’ cuisines have joined a growing list of foods that members have sworn off eating.

The aim of the far-right group is to spearhead a boycott on these ‘un-Australian’ industries, leading to their ultimate demise – paving the way for the locally grown produce market to thrive.

Taking the time out today to speak to the media was spokesman, Greg Mullhat, who threw down his crowbar at smoko to address the growing media pack.

“Al fresco is disgusting and should be banned,” he said, rolling a filterless White Ox cigarette.

“It’s bloody disgusting and that whole industry panders to immigrants and leaves Australian farmers out to dry – and as if it isn’t already dry enough,”

“As for al a carte, just go and flick your bean off somewhere else. It’s common knowledge that Halal products are used in al a carte food, so they can just go fuck themselves with that idea,” he said, coughing wetly before spitting something green at the feet of a pleasant-looking ABC soundman.

The impromptu press conference took place on a long stretch of anonymous Victorian highway, where Mr Mullhat was tasked with picking up general rubbish and digging holes for roadside guideposts, known elsewhere as white kangaroos.

A judge gave him the option of contributing to society the only way he can, or face a short prison sentence for burning down his own house in a negative gearing protest.

This time last year, the group rose to the national attention after explaining that Halal food was bad for the economy, as well as making many other statements which have now been shrugged off as simple hate speech by every Australians. These latest developments are expected to be treat as the same.