RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
The Australian Securities Exchange has completely spun off the face of the Earth and out into the cold dark recesses of space this morning, it has been confirmed.
This comes as the ASX 200 managed to recover some of its losses from the past three months despite company valuations continuing to plummet downwards.
While practically every bank and economist had today been anticipating a sharp fall in the value of the index in light of the RBA’s recent monetary policy changes and myriad other terrors, the ASX 200 has instead done the exact opposite.
Day Trader and Quantitative Analyst, Brendan Frasier (38), spoke with the Advocate from the trade floor this morning.
“We’ve identified the fundamental underlying values of every single company within the index, and we can confidently say with 96 per cent certainty that the ASX 200 should have fallen off a cliff this morning. Instead, it’s rocketing upwards.”
Indeed, if one is to believe even the most basic of economic theory, it is only logical to expect that when a company’s valuation is shot to pieces due to ongoing and irrepressibly dire micro and macro-economic outlooks, the company’s stock price should also diminish.
Despite this, or perhaps because of it, the benchmark index gained a whopping 8.48 per cent, to 7,763.70 points, in the past six months.
To better understand this morbid phenomenon that appears completely detached from economic reality, the Advocate reached out to leading Betootian Polytechnic University Tenured Professor of Market Economics, Samuel Jaffe (59), for comment.
“Whatever its value, the peculiar thing for me is that the ASX 200 appears to exhibit emotional human traits.” Mr Jaffe said.
“This is of concern for two reasons. The first being that if the ASX 200 is in fact human, then from a purely psychoanalytical perspective, its irrational behaviours would fit the very definition of a psychotic maniac. As to the second concern, the obvious question arises: how does a human being fit one’s self inside a distributed computer market place and survive?”
With fear of the looming recession already having spooked even the most sophisticated investors, the concept of the ASX 200 now acting intelligently and of its own volition has only spooked them further.
The Advocate reached out to the potentially sentient sociopathic share market algorithm for comment. No response has been received.
More to come.
