CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Ever since their stellar efforts in convincing Australians to reject an Indigenous Voice, the Liberal Party has been gaining momentum as legitimate challengers in the 2025 election.
While there was no real societal gain from undermining the referendum, it became an ideal opportunity for Opposition leader Peter Dutton to insert himself into the headlines – with pictures of him riling up cheering crowds as they chanted NO. It was at this moment that Australian media started to take him seriously as a man with vision.
Since then, he has somehow reversed his position on community division, and now has the Government on the ropes by presenting himself as the only leader who wants to stop the growing racism that has seen attacks on places of worship across Melbourne and Sydney.
With the global inflation crisis now rubbing salt in the wounds for Prime Minister Albanese, the Liberals just need to do all they can to avoid digging up the bitter memories of Scott Morrison for the next couple of months – and they might be in with a shot.
But it’s not just up to their leadership that needs to stay on the ball, their membership do too. It’s for this reason that the pre-selections for Liberal Candidates are the most important decisions that will be made over the next few weeks.
This was a weakness for Scott Morrison, who overruled the democratic process with his captain’s picks in 2022 – many of whom turned out to be even bigger conspiracist lunatics than the local members that he had forced to intervene against.
With changing fault-lines in demographics, and an perennially ignored Australian female voter base who have made it very clear that they are more than willing to cause major swings towards Labor, Greens or Independents – the Liberals need to be smart about who they pick. Particularly in suburban NSW and Melbourne.
But who do they have to chose from?
The 7 archetypes of Suburban Australians that are currently fighting to enter Parliament as Liberal candidates are as follows:
High-Functioning Corporate Mum Who Can Speak Multiple Languages
Likes: Integrity in politics
Dislikes: Boys Clubs
Marital Status: Married with three kids, stay-at-home husband
Political Priority: Renewable Energy
Chances of Pre-Selection: Zero chance
Old Man Who Watches Too Much Sky News and Cannot Tell the Difference Between Indians and Arabs
Likes: Andrew Bolt
Dislikes: Seeing men kiss each other on TV
Marital Status: Separated from his wife of 40 years but living in the same house
Political Priority: Protecting women’s sport
Chances of Pre-Selection: Very High
Millenial Christian with Creepily Smooth Hands
Likes: Homeschooling
Dislikes: Anyone who has made poor choices in their life
Marital Status: Unknown
Political Priority: Restoring traditional family values
Chances of Pre-Selection: High
Reactionary 2nd-Generation Small Business Owner
Likes: AC/DC
Dislikes: Any form of taxes
Marital Status: Married with many adult sons who now work with him
Political Priority: Banning immigration from any country that is not the one his parents came from
Chances of Pre-Selection: Low
Former Labor Voting Retiree Who Was Radicalised by Facebook During the Pandemic
Likes: The TRUTH
Dislikes: Dr Andrew Fauci
Marital Status: Estranged from everyone
Political Priority: Imprisoning Bill Gates
Chances of Pre-Selection: High
Hindu Nationalist
Likes: Unknown
Dislikes: Unknown
Marital Status: Unknown
Political Priority: Unknown
Chances of Pre-Selection: Very high, given the amount of never-before-seen Liberal members he has been bringing to branch meetings
Gay Lawyer Who Fled to Darlinghurst Years Ago But Is Technically Local
Likes: The Art Gallery Of NSW
Dislikes: Every letter in LGBTI except for G
Marital Status: Married
Political Priority: Defunding the NDIS and Centrelink
Chances of Pre-Selection: High, if he keeps it to himself.
