CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
One of Betoota’s most hopeless romantics has had to go back to the drawing board today.
Franklin (not Frank!) Thistlethorpe (32) can once again confirm that nice guys finish last, after yet another failed attempt at romance.
After doing everything right in his pursuit for true love, Franklin has learnt that it doesn’t pay to be considerate, friendly, polite and emotionally vulnerable.
This comes after it became apparent that his soul mate and confidante, Ellie (30) is not interested in pursuing a ‘real relationship’ with him.
What was supposed to be the greatest day of his life has fallen flat today, after Ellie revealed that she hadn’t really viewed his surgically organised ‘picnic in the park’ the same way he had.
Ellie apparently thought that Franklin had bought all these expensive cheeses, champagne and caviar because he valued their ‘friendship’ – not because he wanted to marry her.
She must’ve thought all of the late night texts and selfless errands were just him being a ‘good friend’ as well.
“Haha. Talk about friend zoned” laughs a self-deprecating Franklin, on the awkward walk back to the car, as the picnic ends abruptly following his decision to ‘just go for it’.
After dropping her off to her flat, that he spent half a day helping her move into a few weeks ago, Franklin drives home in silence – overcome with frustration about being ‘led on’.
His frustration, however, probably doesn’t match that of Ellie’s – who now must decontextualise everything he’s ever said to her.
Ellie tells the Betoota Advocate that she was almost certain Franklin was gay, or at least not looking for a girlfriend, given the extreme lack of romantic chemistry between them.
“I know it sounds cliche but I honestly thought he was joking when he went for the closed-eyes open mouth pash” she says.
“I thought the whole picnic park thing was a belated surprise birthday or something. I was waiting for some other friends to pop out from behind trees”
“Next thing I know he’s gone all quiet like and slowly started leaning towards me like something out of the Notebook”
As Franklin sits at home and slowly radicalises himself with anti-social affirmations from similarly entitled men on TikTok, Ellie must now get used to the massive void in her social life that has only emerged after putting so much energy to a friendship that apparently never was.
“I was so off the mark that I wasn’t even capable of conjuring an ick. That’s how little feelings there were” she says.
While Ellie says that she is more than capable of being a flirt when she’s feeling it, she is 100% certain that she was not doing anything of the like towards Franklin. Not one hair flick, no handsies, no horny compliments. No questions about his family.
“I haven’t even been able to envision him being romantic with anyone, let alone me. What the fuck. How did I miss this? Am I an idiot. It just wasn’t like that! How did he get those vibes. I sure as fuck wasn’t giving those vibes.”
MORE TO COME.
