CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A vigilant yet completely reasonable nightclub bouncer working the door at a mildly popular venue in Betoota’s famous Roma Hills party precinct just has a few quick questions before you enter the premises.
Despite permanently recording your most valuable private informtation in the cloud storage technology of a privately-owned ID scanner machine, the bouncer – known old as ‘Champ’ – wants to ask you a few personal questions before you can spend money in ailing local economy.
Namely, he wants to know your date of birth, even though it’s on the ID card you handed directly to him, which again, has since been scanned into a permanent database.
He also wants to know if you’ve been having fun tonight.
The fact that this extremely hostile exchange makes for a real circuit-breaker in the evening’s trajectory, the facts cannot be denied. It has been a fun night. Thus far.
He now wants to know if you’d had much water.
The answer to this is one you must not answer honestly. Because it’s 11:45PM and you’ve clearly been drinking nothing but booze for a good 5 to 6 hours now.
Satisfied with your answer that you’ve been drinking water, he now wants to know how much alcohol you’ve had to drink.
As is commonly accepted for revellers in Australia’s heavily legislated nightlife – the answer to this question must also be a lie.
And it’s a lie that almost everyone except apparently this bouncer can see through.
The answer is ‘just a couple of Great Northerns mate.’
DO NOT specify if they were the ‘black fish’ or ‘white fish’ logo, as the bouncer may grow increasingly concerned that you have ingested more than two mid-strength beers before arriving at this venue at a quarter to midnight.
After inspecting your shoes, jeans, and shirt for close to a minute. The bouncer should be satisfied that you are not only carrying yourself well enough – but are also dressed well enough to continue into the evening.
He will now repeat this same humiliating process with all five of your mates. Only to tell the last one he looks a bit wobbly, and kick you all out when someone questions his authority.
This will be the match that lights the tinderbox that has been created by this socially competitive and emasculating experience. Although the ensuing brawl with the first bunch of lippy blokes you run into will take place outside the bouncer’s duty of care.
