CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
In news that is being frantically pushed to the front page in an effort to distract from Channel Nine’s external culture review, the PM and his new wife have bought a house near the beach.
Obviously it’s not near one of those beaches in his hometown, because not even the Prime Minister of the country can afford to buy a free-standing house in those suburbs.
Instead, he’s bought a pad on the Central Coast of New South Wales. A rough and ready coastal region that couldn’t be further from the exclusive Sydney waterfront enclaves that our previous three Prime Ministers have called home.
Unlike Manly, Point Piper and Cronulla – the Central Coast is the type of place where champion rugby league players grow up. It’s a place where tradies can often live below the poverty line because they struggle to balance the hours they spend working and the hours they spend surfing. It’s the type of place where you can still get your head punched in at the pub.
It’s for this reason that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has had to make quite an effort to fit in with the locals. Because these fearless coasties wouldn’t think twice about putting a world leader on his fucken arse if he was shooting off his jaw.
First things first, Coastie Albo had to change his style of dress. Out with the MJ Bale suits and in with the Hurley quick-dry t-shirt and White Oakleys.
The White Oakleys sunglasses must have blue lenses. And they cannot be worn on the forehead or hat. They have to either be covering the eyes, or on the back of the neck.
But it’s not just his fashion sense and lingo that had to change. Albo also needs to change his mode of transport.
No more Commonwealth cars or helicopters. From now on, the PM must only get around in a lowered flat tray Hilux. For extra authenticity, he must also drink ten schooners at the Grange Hotel in Wyoming before driving.
As was confirmed by NRMA report last year, The Central Coast of NSW has topped the state’s list of the Local Government Areas with the highest recorded numbers of drivers caught drink driving.
The NRMA’s Bust the Boozers report found the Central Coast has not only topped the list but has a record that more than doubles the state average at 919. The next highest is Sydney CBD at 579.
While driving after ten schooners is very much illegal in NSW, the Prime Minister says he’s doing the right thing by “only driving a couple blocks” and “only in first or second gear” because “he knows these roads like the back of his hand” and “there’s fuck all cabs round here anyway”
MORE COASTIE ALBO TO COME.
