WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact
Scientists have confirmed today that executives at the grocery giant Coles, break down exactly 1000 years faster than their plastic bags.
The finding by Australia’s peak scientific body the CSIRO comes after the supermarket heavyweight announced that they would be caving on their new plastic bag scheme and handing the bags out for free indefinitely.
The scientists confirmed that the plastic bags can take up to 1000 years to decompose, taking out a fair chunk of aquatic life along the way.
In one of the most impressive backflips since Mike Baird caved on his plans to turn Wentworth park into a church, Coles are going to continue giving bags out, as customers ‘need more time.’
The scheme, which previously charged customers 15c per bag in an attempt to persuade customers to cut down on the amount of plastic consumed by turtles and dolphins, has certainly been controversial.
Legislated by many states already, many around the country slammed it as environmental symbolism, while others hit out at the retail giant for attempting a grand customer heist by fleecing them for 15c a bag.
Bowing to the pressure like a state politician to a developer, the Managing Director of Coles Stephen Kane, spoke to The Advocate this morning about the move.
“Aldi is eating into our customer base every day. We need something to differentiate ourselves from Woolies,” Kane said.
“We both sell overpriced shit produce, gouge farmers across the country, and spam people with our appalling ads, so we figured why not take the opportunity to create a point of difference, and give out free plastic bags.”
“So there you go. It actually took us a month to break down though. So not technically a 1000 years quicker okay. More like 999.5 years.”
“See what I did there? Classic sales technique. Even though it’s pretty much the same, you thought it was less didn’t you!” he said to our reporters.
More to come.
