CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has last night successfully constructed a narrative to excuse himself for not vaccinating the entire country by October, as was initially promised.
This week’s neck-saving strategy has seen the PM work alongside Byron Bay instagram conspiracists to undermine public trust in the AstraZeneca vaccine.
The Government announced a shake-up of the nation’s rollout plans at a 7:15pm press conference last night, timed perfectly so that he could avoid being skewered by Leigh Sales on the ABC’s 7:30.
Scotty said the national vaccination plan would have to be reworked because of concerns about the AstraZeneca vaccine’s possible links to a rare blood clotting disorder, a very common medical risk associated with mainstream birth control.
He says the AstraZeneca vaccine would no longer be recommended to be given to under-50s.
This has halved his obligation to the Australian population, who are looking like they’ll remain unvaccinated until 2022 at this point.
Scotty didn’t bother to mention the fact that we don’t even have enough of these vaccines in the country to even immunise the entire town of Toowoomba – but the fact that we don’t even have a vaccine doesn’t matter any more now that he’s decided to take the alarmist route by appeasing anti-vaxxers with this considered side effects
It is not yet known what Morrison’s plan is when the 5 million AstraZeneca shots do arrive in Australia and no cunt wants to take them, but it is assumed that he’ll probably just give them all to Papua New Guinea, our cooperative and vulnerable refugee-warehousing Pacific neighbours that have been ravaged by the coronavirus under his watch.
Morrison’s inability to listen to experts about the need to secure more than one vaccine has also been brushed over, even though he managed to get his own Pfizer jab on national TV – a ‘safer’ vaccine that no one else has been offered.
Speaking to the media today, Scotty From Marketing said if his new strategy of blame-shifting actually results in a new wave of vaccine-skepticism amongst the mainstream population – his plan is to go back to that wildly succesful COVIDsafe app that no one downloaded.
“Just fire up the app again” he said.
“That’s all we’ve got now. Because of a series of circumstances that I didn’t create and should not be blamed for”
