CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Local man, Shaun Jackson, says he is “pretty cut” after learning that his hot coworker Kelly is actually a full blown happy clapper. Not only that, but she also reads Pedestrian.tv
The 29-year-old sales representative spoke to The Advocate today about how he came to learn that his chirpy account manager upheld a relationship with the youth-oriented news service, and the Hillsong Church.
“It’s a real slap in the face. Any rapport I had built with her now seems quite hollow. It turns out all those smiles and the giggles come from a much more sinister place than I had initially thought,” says Shaun, who has worked alongside Kelly in a media sales company for over 18 months.
“I got a better gauge when we became friends on Facebook. All of a sudden I was seeing her share these weird stories about Bunnings sausages… and other stuff, like bizarre quotes from the bible”
While insisting that he is in no way jilted by the discovery, Shaun doesn’t deny that he had at one point thought that Kelly was showing signs of a crush. He now knows any chemistry shared between the two was either cleverly contrived or significantly suppressed.
“We were sharing a desk space for several months and as you can imagine with two attractive and single employees in a social workplace, we developed a whole lot of personal jokes and became pretty friendly,”
“I just had no idea she spent her weekends belting out hymns and reading stories about Karl Stefanovic”
“She uses a lot of whitewashed African-American culture. I thought she might have been a bit of a freak. You know, twerking etc”
“But its just terminology that she picked up from reading Pedestrian. Of course she doesn’t listen to Lil Uzi”
Shaun says that Kelly’s religious beliefs were not that obvious to him until the staff silly season came around.
“It was quite well-hidden to begin with, but I sensed something was a bit fishy the way she just turns blank when other staff members start talking about their wild nights out,”
“She never mentioned anything at staff drinks on fridays, but one night she was playing music on the office speakers and I got a good look at her ‘most played’ list on Spotify,”
It seems the abundance of evangelical Christian power-pop saved on Kelly’s iPhone was enough for the penny to drop. Shaun now keeps a significant distance from Kelly.
“It was just plain disappointing,”
“Now every time I talk to her I can’t help but think ‘maybe this chick is opposed to marriage equality?’ – or ‘does Kelly really not believe in Dinosaurs?’ – its quite distressing actually.
Shaun says the Easter period should be quite telling as to just how much of a bible-basher Kelly actually is, particularly considering she has been put in charge of organising the staff Easter party.
“I wanna know how she plays this one. I think I’m the only one in the office that is onto her,”
“Its either going to be an all-inclusive Easter egg hunt, or a full blown nativity scene with Jesus nailed to the cross… I really hope it’s the chocolates.”
The Betoota Advocate asked Kelly for a comment but she simply responded with “It’s lit” before telling our reporters to “Get. In. The. Bin!”
