CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Melbourne residents are rejoicing tonight, following the news that they can once again enjoy a night out at a restaurant without becoming victims of violent African gang crime.
This comes as Premier Daniel Andrews and the Victorian Labor party crushed their political opponents in Saturday’s state election, charging back into power in a landslide victory.
By 8.55pm on Saturday, Opposition Leader Matthew Guy had phoned Mr Andrews to concede defeat and congratulate the re-elected Premier on his victory. However, residents have waited two full days to before they returned to visiting nightlife precincts for dinner, out of fear that groups of more than three 6ft fourteen year olds might aggressively bounce a basketball nearby, or even worse, give each other noogies in a display of brash and unpredictable migrant youth behaviour.
“It’s just such a relief” said one St Kilda resident, Dani Dedong (33).
“I felt bad exploiting all those poor African Deliveroo cyclists”
Another resident, Frank Stone (66) says if it wasn’t for the last six months of billboards that the Liberal Party had commissioned to warn him of the rise in African youth existence in one of Australia’s largest and most cosmopolitan cities, he might have actually run the risk of going to a restaurant.
“I’m glad it’s over. I haven’t been able to enjoy the nightlife in the only city with a nightlife for roughly five months leading into this most recent election”
“Thankfully our streets are safe from all that gang stuff that Peter Dutton was talking about before he humiliating himself in a failed leadership challenged and was stripped of most of his cabinet duties”
