CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Following the news that Iran’s Vice President is one of the country’s 7 officials to contract Coronavirus, the political classes right around the world are now very aware that wealth and status is simply not enough to fend off the illness.
Masoumeh Ebtekar, President Hassan Rouhani’s deputy has officially tested positive COIVD-19 – a statistic that is far too newsworthy to deny.
Australian Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing has warned Australians to prepare for a coronavirus “pandemic” as the government implements its emergency response plan. Which basically means prepare our underfunded health services are about to reach a capacity never seen before. Which is concerning, considering every bed in the country is currently taken for not-coronavirus related illness.
Mr Morrison told reporters the government had moved ahead of the World Health Organisation and was now effectively operating on the basis a pandemic had been declared.
Similar to his reaction to the 2019-2020 bushfire season, Morrison is now concerned enough with the risks faced by our country to prioritise himself.
With his staffers now on the phone to Flight Centre chasing good deals on Polynesian getaways, Morrison has also made the executive decision to stop forcing strangers to shake his hands.
“I usually only whip out the hand sanitiser when I’m on the campaign trail in Western Sydney” he told reporters today.
“But now, I’m using this shit every time I get back in the BMW. Rich, poor, Labor, Liberal. It doesn’t matter… This shit can affect everyone. Not just elderly people in povo countries. I could get it!”
“I’m not risking it. In fact, don’t expect me to even offer my hand. I don’t know where these Quiet Australians have been.”
This announcement has received well by the Australian public, who were starting to get a little bit sick of the Prime Minister forcing them to shake his hand during photo opportunities.
“Thank fuck” said 44-year-old local swing-voter, Aarun (2nd-Hand White Goods Retailer, Betoota’s Flight Path District)
“It’s a relief knowing that if the Prime Minister decides to come round here to win my vote, I won’t have to get a Bra Boy arm slap because he’s trying to look well-liked on camera”
“I am a little concerned that it took an unprecedented pandemic for Scotty to stop forcefully grabbing his own citizens hands and shaking them”
“But, yeah, not as concerned as I am about having him in charge of yet another national emergency that requires full concentration and a general acknowledgment of the findings of scientists”
