CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
After being mostly sheltered from the Australian public for the last few years, the National Party has today pitched a policy aimed at securing the highly influencial ‘Camilla Mums’ vote through the coastal regions.
The Nats have had to step out of the shadows of the Liberal Party to announce their new policy surrounding surf club wine glasses, as Peter Dutton works tirelessly to hide Barnaby Joyce and any other rowdy regional MPs from public view.
However, as The Nats have proven time and time again, they will never be silenced by the big city elites. Labor or Liberal.
Speaking to the media for the first time this year, the National Party leader David Littleproud MP has today made it clear that his party are willing to depart from any captain’s calls that they feel is not in the best interests of regional voters.
One Coalition policy that appears to have riled up the Nats is Dutton’s attempts to police the drinking habits of small business owners during work events.
“To offer tax-free long lunches without including the wine menu is a disgrace” said a fired up David Littleproud MP, wearing an open collar pink linen button up, and flanked by two female colleagues dressed in bright kaftans.
“Sir Joh and Russ Hinze would be rolling in their graves. How do you think we managed to build Surfers Paradise in less than a decade?”
“Surfers Paradise would still be diary farms if it wasn’t for the pissy long lunches of Brisbane’s Chinatown”
With the coalition currently being led by an authoritative ex-Queensland policeman, there are growing fears within the National Party that Peter Dutton is driving conservative politics back towards wowserism.
“Regional Australians have no interest living in a country where we can only drink as much as Peter Dutton thinks appropriate”
“So to make things clear about where we stand, as the voice of rural Australia, we will now be mandating that all surf clubs must pour high tides. There will be no pussy footing around with half glasses of rosè or chardy. We also do not consider a high tide with ice cubes to be good enough. If a patron requests ice cubes, then the glass must go all the way to the brim”
When asked how this policy was a regional issue, Littleproud said the last time he checked, Brisbane didn’t have any surf clubs.
“You ever been Mooloolaba in late January? It’s little Longreach. And regional people are sick of being shorted on the pour. High tides only. From now on!”
