MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT
While most Australians barely noticed the recent announcement regarding the shutdown of the last 3G cell towers, many within the enlightened free-thinking community have expressed dismay at the loss of the last telecommunications technology that doesn’t turn users into sheep.
This technology, which initially enabled millions of Australians to connect to the world through their mobile phones, will be officially turned off starting Monday.
The majority of Australians may be perplexed about who, or even how, someone uses 3G in 2024. However, a select few recognise these as troubling times.
“That’s it, it’s over. 3G was the last type of cell tower that didn’t penetrate the brain, obviously,” said Mullumbimby man, Mal Trowen (56), a late adopter of the internet who has since become a fervent internet conspiracy theorist.
When asked why 3G did not attract the same conspiracies as 4G or the dreaded 5G, Mal shrugged.
“I dunno, the radio waves or some shit. I can send you the links to some good articles if you think you’re ready for that,” he suggested with a smirk.
Despite the dwindling numbers of the free-thinking community—largely due to the failure of QAnon to materialize and the return to normalcy post-COVID—only the most loyal members continue to lament the loss of 3G.
“Yeah, the entire US government not being arrested and medicine actually helping with COVID really hurt our movement. Unfortunately, our voice isn’t loud enough for people to realise how much 3G is actually needed,” Trowen added.
In a surprising twist, the free thinkers have found an unlikely ally in their campaign to maintain 3G: suburban drug dealers.
“Mate, this is fucked,” one dealer remarked. “Our burner phones are the lifeblood of our business. What are we going to do now?”
Suburban drug dealers and online-radicalised Baby Boomers are set to join forces this week in capital cities across the country to protest the decision to shut down 3G.
