CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Scotty From Marketing’s whirlwind pre-election-election campaign in Far North Queensland is not as fun as he’d hoped it would be, as the air-conditioned Sydney boy finds himself overwhelmed after 48 hours of extreme heat and humidity.
The euphoria of yesterday’s promise of a $60m tourism boost has already worn off, and party insiders say the PM is now starting to chafe.
It would seem two and a half days of eating nothing but fresh seafood has also tested Scotty’s patience, as a man who prefers his fish and crustaceans served with a marinara pizza base.
However, it seems that the last straw was today’s news that two of his most beloved Australian heroes had retired from their respective fields.
Scotty was seen chucking a full blown tantrum, after receiving the the news that Australian tennis superstar Ash Barty – and controversial Hillsong founder Brian Houston had both announced their resignations an hour apart.
Barty’s decision to withdraw from professional tennis was announced via social media at 1pm, and will be expanded upon at a press conference tomorrow.
The 25-year-old has said “I’ve given absolutely everything I can to this beautiful sport of tennis and I’m really happy with that.”
Although, it was the resignation of the embattled Hillsong founder and Morrison family’s ‘spiritual mentor’ Brian Houston that has really driven the PM over the edge.
Houston’s resignation comes amid recent allegations that the global pastor mistreated two different women, ahead of a trial over charges he hid his father’s alleged child abuse from both authorities and the church.
“Why?!?!?” shouted the PM, from the balcony of his 5-star penthouse accomodation in Cairns this afternoon.
“I needed Brian for the spiritual guidance and the unwavering promise that he would tell at least 2% of the population to vote for me!”
“And I needed Ash Barty winning Grand Slams to distract the media from the allegations surrounding both the conduct of Brian Houston and my own cabinet Ministers”
“Now I’ve got both of their resignations dominating the news cycle just, just when we’d manage to convince Australians that Labor has been murdering their own colleagues”
“…And I’m stuck up here in this fucking humid shit hole”
“WHY!?!!”
