CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
After catastrophically misreading the national sentiment over Christmas, the Prime Minister is today hosting qualitative data surveys amongst ‘everyday Australians’ to see if he’ll be able to get away with visiting a sporting arena in the next couple months.
While confident that he’d be able to pull off a Sharkies home game, Scotty From Marketing isn’t quite sure of his chances showing his face to punters outside of his electorate following his form over the last two months.
LISTEN TO OUR EXCLUSIVE PODCAST WITH DYLAN ‘BIG PAPI’ NAPA
Since Spring, out of control bushfires have raged in both Queensland and New South Wales, resulting in every national park south of Tenterfield now currently ablaze, ecologists estimate around 480 million mammals, birds and reptiles have been killed, directly or indirectly.
As the fires crept from Queensland’s Sunshine Coast down to the Southern Highlands of New South Wales, an area the size of California has been left uninhabitable, as volunteer firefighters resort to taking leave from work to continue battling this cataclysmic climate change-aided disaster.
Bushfires have since begun ravaging both Western Australia, South Australia and Victoria, with the iconic Lorne Falls Festival cancelled yesterday due to the extreme weather conditions.
These same conditions are causing endless grief for Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who disappeared on a Hawaiian holiday with his family at the peak of an east coast heatwave that triggered the merging of two megafires in rural NSW, resulting in Sydney being smothered by an apocalyptic haze of smoke that saw Australia’s most populated city suffering from a air pollution that was measured at a lower quality than Beijing on their worst day recorded.
Scotty From Marketing has attempted to rectify his standing with the Australian population by announcing a new scheme, that has always existed, where Australian volunteer firefighters are able to get access to up to $6000 if they have suffered financially by not being able to go to work for the two months that these fires have destroyed their regional communities.
This news has also been received poorly, after it was revealed that Scott Morrison earns an annual salary of $549,229 and secured three pay rises in just a year – with his total annual pay increase since July 1, 2018 being $141,229. Meaning in June alone, just under a month of winning the election, he paid himself another $11,000-a-year-pay rise.
According to furious meme pages from both sides of the political spectrum, The Prime Minister’s post-Honolulu knee-jerk approach to quelling anxieties over the 2019 Climate Fires has failed to win the public back over, with the nation now pointing to the nearly 2000 homes lost and nine Australians dead.
This means Scotty From Marketing must now begin in-depth focus group research tp identify whether or not he can indulge in one of his favourite perks of the job and hit a corporate box at Sydney cricket test, without being booed mercilessly by a sold-out SCG.
“So hit me, guys” said Morrison, during a marketing research survey with a select crowd of everyday Australians from his own electorate.
“I wear an all pink tuxedo and do a shoey while the stadium plays The Horses by Darryl Braithwaite, you reckon I’ll be able to win over these plebs in their Richie Benaud outfits?”
His question was immediately met with awkward silence by the focus group.
“Ok, no good. I understand. Yeah, all the people losing all their livelihoods has hit the bush pretty hard, yada yada. I get it”
“What If I dab while wearing a Sharkies scarf and begin yelling exaggerated claims about Labor coming to steal franking credits from the Boomers and forcing us to sell our fourbys as part of their war on the weekend”
Morrison was again met with no solid answers.
“What If I just do nothing and don’t show my face at any point during my Prime Ministership unless some skinhead low breed from Grafton slaughters fifty innocent Muslims in their place of worship and then I can accuse the media of treating me in similar kind of way because everyone finds it kind of weird that I speak in tongues every Sunday and openly meet with pedophile apologists from the biggest tax-evading megachurch in the southern hemisphere”
The focus group goes quiet again, before Morrison is finally met with a positive response from one of the subjects.
“I think that your best idea yet” says a single mother who can’t afford childcare and is staring down the barrel of having to piss in a cup in the Centrelink office to gain access to any form of social security.
Another respondent agrees with her.
“That’ll work” said a silica-dust-riddled tradie, whose been thinking a lot about politics recently given the fact that his family’s savings account is now under threat of suddenly disappearing because the banking royal commission that Morrison voted against 28 times has since found that Westpac has committed 23 million breaches of the law by funding terrorists and child sex tourists in south east Asia resulting in the bank now facing a corporate fine the size of one third of Australia’s GDP.
“Just don’t go to the cricket. They’ll boo the fuck out of you”
“You aren’t Hawkey, mate”
