CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Scotty From Marketing has today unveiled a new layer to his incredibly well-thought-out plan to boost the numbers of forklift drivers in Australian warehouses and factories.
With a shortage of workers crippling fresh food and medical supply chains due to the fact that this virus is out of control and our borders are still preventing underpaid immigrants from entering the country, Scotty From Marketing has concocted a new plan that could have only been put together by him
The Prime Minister’s Office revealed this morning that his Government want to allow children to drive forklifts to help get items onto supermarket shelves more quickly.
This would also ‘kill two birds with one stone’ by taking pressure off the embattled education sector by putting school-aged children to work – like they do in the Saharan salt mines.
“Some kids are literally too dumb for school” said the PM.
‘We may as well put them to works in factories with all those other dumb cunts. It’s not like a child couldn’t do the jobs that are required of these unskilled blue collar workers’
As it stands, children are not eligible to get signed off on their forklift licenses, perhaps due to the fact that these vehicles are responsible for 1 in 6 workplace deaths.
The Morrison Government is confident that by lowering the age for forklift certification, the supply chain issues currently plaguing Australian supermarkets will be resolved instantly.
One glaringly obvious hurdle this plan faces is the fact that there might not even before enough kids to fill this void in the workforce as case numbers and close contacts continue to surge.
However, Scotty insists he’s accounted for the next wave of child labour shortages as well.
‘I’m bringing back that baby bonus.’ He said.
‘The big juicy one that Peter Costello gave youse’
The baby bonus scheme was introduced by the Howard government in the early 2000s – with the was aim at offsetting the expenses associated with bearing a child. The scheme was also introduced as a means of increasing Australia’s fertility rate and to mitigate the effects of white kids being outnumbered by scary immigrants. At it’s peak, new parents were eligible for up to $5000 per child, before it was discontinued under Tony Abbot’s razor budget of 2013.
‘How about that?’ Said Scotty today.
‘If you pump out a kid and send em to forklift driver school. We’ll give you five g’
‘Harvey Norman are gonna love this one too haha. Few bogans lining up for new TV in 9 months I reckon’
