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“Operation Sovereign Borders will be coming to a close in just a few weeks” said the Nightwatchman in a press conference this morning.
His opening sentence set the tone for what appeared to be the most assertive political position taken by the Liberal Party since gun reform.
“As of May, we plan to be no longer processing children or medically vulnerable asylum seekers in offshore detention centres”
It was a statement that no one was expecting to hear. A wave of silence washed over the media scrum, who were expecting to hear a statement about tax reform.
The lower-order leader of the Coalition government continued.
“We have looked into this, we have listened. We have taken advice from medical professionals. This is the way forward for a Coalition government”
“We don’t know what we will be doing as an alternative at this point. We just know what we have been doing hasn’t been working.”
“It has dehumanised the stateless and war-weary who risk their lives to find refuge in our country”
“It is a program that has hurt and traumatised, and killed far too many children”
“And it is a system that has been exploited by multinational private security companies who put profits before the lives of those we have hired them to support”
With even the coldest and apathetic Newscorp journalist now struggling to hide the tears welling in their eyes, Prime Minister Morrison maintained his sincerity while also offering an apology to the young children who suffered years of cruelty under the indefinite offshore detainment that came as a result of bipartisan xenophobia and procrastination.
For the first time in recent history, the political reporters were left speechless, with many opting to take in the moment.
Slowly, a smirk began to appear on the corners of Scott Morrison’s pursed lips.
He couldn’t hold it in anymore. The smirk turned into a snort. Which turned into hysterical laughter.
“NOT!” he shouted.
“Hahahahahaahaha!!”
“I got you guys so good!”
“You should have seen your faces. APRIL FOOLS! Hahaha!”
The crowd appeared confused as to whether or not Morrison was seriously making a joke about the inter-generational trauma faced by refugee children trapped on sweltering Pacific detention centres.
Morrison then composed himself, just long enough to clarify he was joking, and that taking children off Nauru and Manus Island was most definitely not the Government’s position.
“Nah, not sure what we are gonna do yet. I guess it’ll stay the same for the time being”
“That Cambodia deal cost us $40 million and they only took ten of ’em. We’ll see what else we can do, but Christmas Island is looking good”
