ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Celebrations are heating up South Betoota and one local engineering student is getting ready to drink himself into a pair of handcuffs.
Walking past the bargain bin wines and other assorted brain varnishes down at the Cobb & Co Cellars on George Street, Elliot Stapleton explained to our reporters that he felt like treating himself tonight as he just received his first scholarship payment from the Regent Street Polytechnic College.
“I know it’s supposed to go towards paying down my HECS but yeah, I’ll deal with that later because it’s fucking New Year’s Eve, baby! Let’s get fucked up!” he said.
“Now, on to more important things. What should I get for myself? A bottle of scotch?”
“No, that’s what I need. 57% alcohol. That’ll do me. I’ll only drink half as much because it’s twice as strong. So, I can save it for kickons after the cricket gets turned off at the pub next week. Fuck, tonight is going to be so lit.”
However, that’s where Cobb & Co cashier Gavin Cashew starts to disagree with the promising student.
Time and time again, Gavin has seen a spritely first-year come into his drive-through liquor outlet and immediately get ahead of themselves.
“A good entry-level drink for someone like Elliot would be a six pack of New or something to that description, you know? A heavy beer but not a whole box,” he said.
“It’s in my professional opinion that giving a bottle of OP rum to an 18-year-old is quite irresponsible, not illegal. Provided he doesn’t get alcohol poisoning and perish in the heat, tonight should be a steep learning curve for the young man,”
“A night out never ends well if you start on OP rum. Before you know it, you’ll be on the bottom of a ‘stacks on’ but instead of your mates doing it, it’ll be those scary cops in the jumpsuits on top of you.”
“Anyway, Happy New Years everybody!”
More to come.
