CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT
In what can only be described as an astounding display of post-pandemic denial, Betoota Heights resident Dave Wilson (38) has revealed that after 3421 trips to the bathroom, he still hasn’t made a dent in the toilet paper stash he hoarded during the 2020 lockdowns.
“I thought I’d be sorted for, like, years,” Dave admitted while browsing through the mountain of unopened toilet paper packs stacked neatly in his garage. “But every time I open a new one, I just feel like… I’m not really using it fast enough.”
The stash, which began as a precautionary measure when supermarket shelves were stripped bare, now stands as a reminder of Dave’s overzealous stockpiling. The toilet paper supply, which takes up the entire space of one-and-a-half garages, is so vast that Dave has begun gifting rolls to friends and family, yet still finds himself no closer to the end of his stockpile.
“It’s a bit like a bad joke now,” Dave sighed. “I’m not even sure when I’m going to run out. I mean, I *could* give it away, but it feels like a waste.”
His neighbours, while sympathetic to his situation, are starting to question his relationship with toilet paper. “Honestly, he could start a business at this point,” said one local. “I’ve seen his stash. It’s a lot.”
Despite the mounting piles, Dave insists that one day, he’ll finally “get through it all.” For now, he’s just taking it one shit at a time.
