LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact
As CoronaVirus continues to make a home in Melbourne like a craft beer loving street artist, the message from the government couldn’t be plainer; don’t panic buy.
Although this message has been spread far and wide there are still some who are not getting it and are loading their shopping trolleys with items that most accurately represent their needs and values.
However, just as it is not recommended to call someone out for not wearing a facemask due to possible medical exceptions, The WHO strongly advises shoppers do not call out perceived panic buyers as they may just be idiot dads like Lucas Van Horton (53).
Undertaking the family grocery trip for the first time in 30 years, Van Horton was called out by other shoppers for loading his trolley with toilet paper, flour and one bag of every commercially available corn chip.
“You know what I feel like are those little dixie drumsticks, remember those?” stated Van Horton is he casually flung a fresh deck of UNO cards into his bulging trolley.
“Where are they? Whole aisle full of chips and I can’t find them. Wow, a whole aisle for chips though, this place is great!”
Trusting his wife of 30 years to do all of the family shopping, Van Horton offered to do the recent shop after his wife fell down the stairs of their luxury villa breaking both wrists which are essential for correct trolley pushing technique.
Van Horton admits he has a long way to go with his trolley pushing technique but otherwise states he has greatly enjoyed the grocery shopping as a hilarious bucket-list style experience.
“So this is where the Old El Paso stuff comes from? I assumed we were getting it flown in from Old El Paso itself. There you go. Anyway, we’ll need just ten packs of that.”
