ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
After being asked repeatedly not to say anything too raucous, a South Betoota tiler has brought the house down at the Daroo Street Function Centre last night after roasting the groom and best friend with hilarious, but completely inappropriate anecdotes and stories.
Sam Pietersen agreed to be John Millers’ best man immediately, but was warned then and there that he had to be on his best behaviour.
“He [John] said I could speak about things that even his grandmother wouldn’t find offensive. That was the brief I got,” said Pietersen.
“But fuck that. I roasted them both and it was a serious pissa. Every cunt in the place had tears rolling down their face. Everybody except for the bride and her family, well except her brother, he’s a fucking mad man.”
Taking the microphone from the MC, the 29-year-old could barely wipe the smile off his face as he started to warm the reception up with a few choice stories from their days in high school.
“I told them the yarn about him and Sally Atwood, from the fourth form blue light at the PCYC. That’s pretty PG,” he said.
“He basically threw up on ol’ Sal when they retired out the fire escape and found themselves in the bushes. That was a funny night, hey Johnny.”
However, things took a turn for the worst when he revealed that during a football trip to the Gold Coast in 20011, just weeks before he met the woman he married yesterday, he contracted chlamydia and ended up giving it to his now wife.
“Fuck, so get this right. John gave her the clam accidently, like he didn’t cheat or anything, but rather than tell her, he just spiked her Milo with the antibiotics. Fuck we laughed about it.”
Mr Pietersen was then asked to sit down by the bridal party and the father of the bride said that the day he gets told he’s terminal, he’s taking Sam with him.
More to come.
