ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A parish priest in the soulless sprawl of Betoota Heights has reportedly been left a broken man after hearing the Christmas confession of a bloke who’s spent a bit too much time in the big smoke.
Father Emilio Vittorio, a weathered figure whose usual battles involve keeping Betoota Heights’ cookie-cutter congregants awake during mass, was said to be “visibly shaken” following the encounter.
The penitent, identified only as “Troy,” returned to his childhood home in Betoota Heights for Christmas and, in an apparent bid to offset his life choices and mental load, decided to make his first confession in years. But what began as a typical rundown of sin quickly veered into uncharted territory.
“It started off pretty tame. Drinking, skipping church, blasphemy, the usual,” said Father Vittorio, nodding and rubbing is brow.
“Then he drops a casual mention of this ‘fetish bar’ in Surry Hills, like I know what that means. I didn’t. Now I do.”
Troy’s confessional reportedly included vivid accounts of a “pup play event” involving latex suits and “a leash hierarchy,” a birthday party in Broken Hill featuring “body shots off a professional contortionist,” and a detailed description of something called “son of trough man.”
“I can’t repeat what he told me about the the golden syrup,” whispered Father Vittorio.
“And that was before he got into the business with the speed dating night at a polyamorous co-op. Or that poor bus driver.”
The confession concluded with Father Vittorio issuing the heftiest penance of his career.
“I told him he owed me 3,500 Hail Marys, 7,000 Our Fathers, and a written apology to every saint in the liturgical calendar. Even Saint Drogo. I said God is watching over him and he said I like it when he watches. Mother Mary!”
Troy was later seen leaving St. Barnabas Church in high spirits, reportedly telling friends, “It’s good to be home.”
Meanwhile, Father Vittorio had his first cigarette in 20 years.
More to come.
