LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Nan of 10, Olivia Van Carton (88) only wants the best for her grandchildren, which is why she asks all of them if they are in a happy heterosexual relationship 100% of the times she sees them.
Unfortunately for Van Carton, she has failed to remember that on average 10% of the adult population identifies as gay or queer meaning that one of her grandchildren is unlikely to end up in the type of relationship that she holds dear/ruined her life.
And as statistics never lie, Van Carton does indeed have one gay grandchild, her grandson Elliott Abbott (24) who she loves dearly and can’t wait to find the right girl one day.
“So many of your friends are girls but are any of them your girlfriend?” asked Van Carton, completely unaware that Abbott will be out and proud to everyone the very moment she dies.
“When you do I hope she’s more family oriented than that Lady Gaga woman you listen to!”
According to young Abbott he and his parents discussed how excusing his grandmother’s homophobia was the best way to stay written in her will while doing something completely degrading.
“Look, it’s not ideal,” stated Abbott while wearing a footy jumper to complete the illusion.
“She’s from a different time when being gay meant being happy. And let me tell you, when she dies, I will be very gay indeed.”
