CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT
Millie Patterson, the once-legendary backyard alchemist who spent her childhood making ‘potions’ from mud, has announced to friends and family that she has officially transitioned into adulthood by swapping her beloved dirt concoctions for essential oils.
Millie’s childhood fascination with the mystical forces of nature began when she would whip up potions to cure imaginary ailments, typically while barefoot, covered in dirt, and deep in thought about ‘channeling the powers of the earth.’
“I was all about blending things,” Millie recalls, fondly remembering her DIY mud remedies. “Mud was my first healer, but now, I’m more into lavender and eucalyptus.”
Her mother, Carol, remembers Millie’s eccentric outdoor rituals. “There were jars of dirt and leaves everywhere. We even had to hose down the garden shed after she tried to ‘purify’ it with a mixture of mud and pinecones,” Carol recalls, shaking her head.
Fast-forward two decades, and Millie’s penchant for strange concoctions has only evolved. On weekends, you can find her at the local farmers’ market, sniffing every essential oil bottle she can get her hands on, raving about “vibrational energy” to anyone who’ll listen.
“Lavender’s for relaxation, eucalyptus clears the airways, peppermint’s energising, and frankincense is great for meditation,” Millie tells our reporter, as if reciting ancient wisdom.
“It’s all about finding that perfect balance,” Millie explains.
More to come.
