8 April, 2015. 15:01
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
THE STAFF OF a North Betoota café are beginning to grow weary of one barista’s music playlist after the 23-year-old hasn’t stopped bingeing on The Smiths since breaking up with his short-time girlfriend, Angela.
The pair mutually decided to part ways after it was revealed to The Advocate that Harry Muller, the barista at the centre of the controversy, wasn’t ambitious enough to satisfy his “bae” of 6 days.
Although it’s not uncommon to resort to a “Smiths marathon” in the wake of such a traumatic event, his colleagues at the Gumnut Cafe say enough is enough.
Part-owner of the popular café and famed local sandwich maker Kevin DeShaun, says that while he “feels sorry” for Harry, customers are beginning to complain about listening to depressing music while trying to enjoy their meals.
“Look, we’ve all been there,” said Mr DeShaun.
“Everybody at some stage in their lives, usually around the early to mid-20’s, goes hard out on The Smiths,”
“Heaven knows I’ve been miserable in the past but at least I had to common decency to do it in the privacy of my home,” he said.
Since the breakdown of his relationship, Mr Muller describes himself as being “devoid of reason” and a “bitter, hollow shell of a human being”.
However, while he regrets not showing more life during his relationship with Angela, he agrees that he’s grown from the experience.
“I feel like I’m dying,”
“To make things worse, I’ve started smoking again so I can sit alone in my room at night, listen to Louder Than Bombs repeat and work my way through a fresh deck of Peter Stuyvesant classics,” said Mr Muller
“It’s not what I thought the future had planned for me but I guess I just have to make do with being ‘unambitious’ and ‘content with being a lazy piece of shit’ for the rest of my life.”
Listening to The Smiths has been praised by doctors as being a healthier way to deal with a break-up as opposed to more traditional methods seen in country towns.
Dr Patel Manesh from Betoota Base Hospital says that the young people in regional areas often use substances such as marijuana and crystallised methamphetamine as a crutch in their time of need.
“Harry is setting a fine example in how to deal with angst-fuelled spells of deep self-loathing,” said Dr Manesh.
“There aren’t any answers at the bottom of a cone piece, nor the end of a glass pipe,”
“However temporary the fix may be, there has been evidence to suggest that short stints listening to Morrissey’s nihilistic lyrics is beneficial in the long run,”
“Using The Smiths is a far better option for young people trying to get through a seemingly endless period of melancholy.” he said.
Although Harry said that “he’s never going to get attached to anybody ever again”, his friends are confident that he’ll shake off this current funk when another local girl gives him more than the time of day.
With additional reporting from NewZulu.
