ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A local man who is thought to be a pig-human hybrid is welcoming the return of El Niño and drought conditions over much of the country.
Grain baron Carl Bartholomew of Bart’s Stock Feeds has been buying up much of the low-quality cereal grains in the Diamantina cropping areas for the past year or so in anticipation that the seasons will change, and the good times for farmers will finally come to an end.
Though he’s currently paying top dollar for wheat due to the conflict in Ukraine and Russia’s backflip on allowing grain ships passage through the Black Sea, Mr. Bartholomew says he’s already chosen what color his new 300-series is going to be.
“My wife and I couldn’t decide, so we got one each,” he laughed.
“I got red, she got silver. We’ve been waiting and praying for this; I actually have been going to church and asking God for drought to come back because I need a fill. A fill of cash, that is. I’m looking forward to all the farmers hating again. They can go and get fucked. They’re happy to sell me their rain-damaged shit, chock full of weevils, low-protein garbage, then sook about it when they come to buy it back a year later. It’s got me fucked why they don’t just buy some cheap silos or just build a grain shed.”
“Who knows, I might even pay super this financial year like I’m the fucking Pope or Mother Teresa, too, but I shouldn’t have to because I stimulate the local economy enough with my purchasing.”
Mr. Bartholomew was the frequent target of abuse in 2019 as the drought got especially bad around the Simpson Desert.
One local grazier was given a six-month suspended sentence for underarming Mr. Bartholomew a bullet in the front bar of the Gelded Seahorse in August 2019 before telling the businessman that the “next one would be coming a lot fucken quicker” if he didn’t leave the premises immediately.
More to come.
