CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT
Local man Troy Leoni (32) has been spotted outside Betoota Heights’ Chemist Warehouse, gearing up for the experience with the intensity of a DJ about to drop a 3 a.m. set at Tomorrowland.
“I’m not going in unprepared again,” he muttered, pulling a pair of wraparound sunglasses from his pocket. “Last time, I left with ringing ears and 18 things I didn’t even need. I’m still using that jumbo pack of collagen powder.”
To combat the infamous overstimulation of the store, Troy packed accordingly. He downed a Hydralyte like it was a pre-party ritual, stuffed some industrial-strength earplugs in his pocket, and tied a bandana around his head for good measure.
Inside, the fluorescent lights and discount yellow signs—each screaming “SAVE $4.99!”—are enough to leave even the most seasoned shopper feeling disoriented. The aisles, packed with clashing scents of eucalyptus, lavender, and fake coconut, resemble a multi-sensory assault.
“I’ve got a list and a mission,” Troy said, exhaling deeply as he braced himself for the chaos. “Cold and flu meds, lip balm, and maybe some vitamins. Nothing else!”
Emerging 45 minutes later, Troy’s sunglasses sat crooked, and his bag overflowed with supplements, a novelty foot spa, and a celebrity-endorsed skin cream.
“I blacked out in the protein aisle,” he admitted, sipping a second Hydralyte as he composed himself on the curb.
“Next time, I’m bringing noise-canceling headphones.” Troy vowed.
