EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact
Melbourne property managers have called for the rental application process to become even more humiliating and demoralising, by requiring all applicants to partake in a blood sacrifice to prove their loyalty to the gods (landlords).
Not content with just your personal data, copies of payslips and tax returns, utility statements, a screenshot of your savings account, references from two people of your choosing, plus a reference from your current boss and your past boss, and your current landlord and old landlord, property managers now say they need blood – preferably cut fresh, and dripped onto a piece of parchment.
Damon Crowley from Belial Property Management tells us more.
“We came to the conclusion that the application process just isn’t thorough enough”, says Damon, “like sure, it can take days to compile that information and not everyone can get references if they’re in a bad living situation, but that’s not our problem when we have 150 of these suckers all applying for one property.”
“It’s not enough that applicants are forced to answer intrusive questions over and over again to random agencies that sell their data, only for the property manager to choose an applicant that offered $50 more than the asking price – we want them to suffer for being a silly little rent cuck!”
“And you know what’s the best bit? EVERYONE’S fucking each other over! It’s the human centipede of capitalism! Not only is it difficult to get a rental, but the share house market has gone to shit too.”
“Good luck getting a room, and if you do, chances are you’re getting shafted by the ‘head tenant’, who you might find out is getting a much better deal at your expense.”
“Everyone’s an aspiring landlord these days.”
More to come.
