LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Although they would certainly win the title of the Australian Government’s Favourite Child, the mining sector has not been able to win over generation z who are joining the industry at record lows.
“We just don’t know why they don’t like us,” stated a lobbyist for one of the world’s biggest polluters.
“Do we need to pop some Billie Eilish on? I know my kids are big fans of him.”
After months of searching for solutions, aside from the whole sustainability thing, mining conglomerates are ready to put zoomers to work by allowing vaping on the job.
Vaping is the act of using an electronic cigarette containing addictive nicotine, which of course you already know because everyone does it these days as it’s super cool and harder to kick than meth.
It’s estimated that one in five zoomers use e-cigarette devices although it could be higher as some may have answered dishonestly as not to get in trouble with mum and dad.
Usually known for incredibly strict drug and alcohol protocols (they made us add this bit), the mining sector is loosening these standards to allow zoomers to vape while they harvest the coal that will continue to heat the planet they will eventually boil alive in.
“If I get old enough to suffer the consequences of vaping there will have to be some sort of environmental miracle,” stated zoomer and vape enthusiast Liz Robbinson.
“Some time in the coal mines might actually be good for my lungs at this rate.”
