RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
A pair of emerging-affluent yuppie DINKs who moved into their first home last month have discovered that it’s impossible to escape from their problems.
Despite years of dreaming about a utopian existence filled with picket fences and manicured lawns, Martha and Andrew Shoal have conceded to the Advocate a stark reality check: homeownership is no magical antidote to fix all the shit that follows you around everywhere
you go no matter how wealthy or secure you become.
“We genuinely thought once we moved in all our problems would simply vanish,” Andrew told our reporter from inside their oversized Meriton dogbox.
“But here we are, 30 days into our perfect life, our dream fully realised, and we’re still as stressed as we were as renters. Still having anxiety attacks, still lying awake at night with that same existential dread that makes you churn over the thought that the apocalypse is nigh, or maybe it’s already happened.”
“We’re still not having sex, either,” added Martha, crossing her arms defensively.
“That too, yeah,” Andrew admitted.
Aside from the couple’s awkward relationship issues, the Advocate learned that homeownership has brought with it added practical problems that, as renters, the couple were blissfully shielded from. Things like paying for the repair of a faulty air conditioner and the never-ending list of general maintenance that is costing the Earth.
What’s worse, the excitement of purchasing their first home has quickly turned into a battlefield of conflicting tastes and visions for their shared space.
“I always dreamed of a minimalist, modern home,” said Andrew. “But Martha insists on turning it in to a vintage, rustic paradise.”
“And we haven’t had sex in months,” Martha added again, leaving Andrew to fidget about silently while standing right next to her, just staring at our reporter like an idiot.
While the Advocate understands that the couple’s home décor problems are just the tip of the iceberg, it is hoped they can resolve their issues maturely and work together to christen their castle like all happy couples should.
