ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Betoota Advocate’s own Dave Henderson has reported experiencing unprecedented mental clarity, claiming he can now bend spoons with his mind after completing Dry July, a month-long sobriety challenge.
Dave, or Big Dave as he’s known around the office for his big Friday post-work pub visits, decided to take on Dry July to see what it feels like to be sober for longer than just a few days.
“I just thought, why not give it a go?” said the The Advocate’s licensing and distribution manager.
“How hard can it be to stay off the piss for a month?”
The answer, it turns out, was harder than expected. Dave’s first week was marked by headaches, irritability, and an unshakeable craving for a cold beer.
“The first Friday, I was having an absolute c–t of a day and all I wanted at the end of it was 10 ice-cold schooners and no dinner.”
However, as the weeks progressed, he started noticing changes.
“By the third week, I felt like a bloody monk,” he said.
“I could actually concentrate during meetings and remembered where I parked my car. I woke up in the morning feeling like I’d actually slept. My flatmate said he could sleep better too as my sleep apnea has died down, too!”
But the real surprise came as Dry July drew to a close. On the last day, Dave claims he experienced a moment of such intense focus that he was able to bend a spoon just by staring at it.
“I was in the kitchen, making a cup of tea,” Dave recounted, “and I just thought about how far I’ve come. The next thing I knew, the spoon was bending.”
Witnesses are divided on the veracity of Dave’s story. His direct manager, Ming Overell, is skeptical.
“It’s probably just another one of his tall tales,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I will admit, his performance has improved dramatically this month.”
Meanwhile, Dave’s office mates are cautiously optimistic.
“If Dave can do Dry July, maybe there’s hope for the rest of us,” said his colleague, Steve.
“I mean, if he can bend spoons with his mind, what else is he capable of?”
However, Dave has a table for 10 booked down at the Gelded Seahorse for tomorrow night, the 1st of August, where he plans to ride the lightning with the young fathers working at The Advocate.
“The dads all go out on Thursday night and go mad. That way they can spend Friday hungover on company time and be nice and fresh for the family over the weekend,” he said.
“They’ve got it all worked out.”
More to come.
