LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A horrible tradition/precedent began today, as pop Stephen Kowalchuk sat his grandkids down and made them watch a weird and obscure Christmas movie from like 100 years ago.
A fan of cinema since the days where it cost a penny for a double feature (with a few serials thrown in for good measure) Kowalchuk remains an enjoyer of films that do not have a single living person featured in the end credits.
Trying (and possibly failing) to prove he is the ‘cool grandpa’, Kowalchuk dusted off his VHS player and sat three of his grandkids down to watch Mr Plumber’s Christmas Blunders, a black and white film featuring an overweight anti-semite learning the true meaning of Christmas.
At the time it was made, the film was considered a technological marvel, mostly for the way it made pictures of people move around just like real life.
While audiences at the time were blown away by the sight of a fumbling fool chasing a Santa hat down a manhole, Kowalchuk’s grandkids spent the first of the film’s four hour run time wishing for a power outage or that their mum would swing by to take them to the dentists.
To the relief of the elder two grandkids, youngster Billie (4) began crying when a character named Mr [redacted] came on screen and frightened the little girl with his shoe-polish heavy makeup and politically incorrect accent.
Kowalchuk was then forced to end the movie three hours early and get the other two grandkids to show him how to make Bluey appear on the TV until the little one stopped crying.
“It’s OK kids, you can take the tape home with you,” stated Kowalchuk, living up to the spirit of Christmas this aggressively racist movie first imprinted on him many years ago.
“I’ve rewinded it for you so you can watch it straight from the beginning!”
MORE TO COME.
