LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
A report by the CSIRO has found that the first weekend of the new year is where most New Years Resolutions are put on permanent hiatus.
The 3000-page report outlined how the cushy nature of the first days of the new year lulled the subjects into a false sense of accomplishment which is dashed by the realisation that they will be forced to return to work soon and that this weekend might be their last chance to enjoy themselves.
Upon realising this a staggering 100% of subjects studied decided to forgo their resolution in exchange for doing fun shit.
“My resolution was to only order salad when I go out somewhere,” stated one first time resolution maker.
“But then I remembered I have a whole year of eating salad at my desk in front of me so I ordered a burger with nachos instead of chips.”
“Come Monday though, and I will be getting my mail forwarded to salad city.”
Another subject admitted their resolution was to do an outdoor activity every weekend but decided the first weekend of the year may not be the ideal time to start their New Years Resolution.
“It’s too hot this weekend,” they stated as if unaware there would be weather conditions every other weekend of the year.
Unsurprisingly, the report found alcohol-related resolutions were the most likely to be tested during the first weekend of the year with 94.45% of subjects excusing themselves from their part-time-temperance.
“Yeah, after this weekend I’ll stay off the piss,” said one subject at the pub at 12:30 am.
“It’s just like Dry July except no one is sponsoring me, it’s not for a good cause and I want to cry.”
