LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Recent proof that secret societies are still somehow relevant has emerged as the secrets to effective whipper-snippering have been discovered guarded by a guild of ancient grandpas.
Known as weed-whacking in America and green-fanny-dusting in the UK, whipper-snippering is the practice of using a petrol powered high-speed plastic wire to trim grass in hard to reach places.
Although just a little bit rewarding, using a whipper snipper is tedious work that is even worse on a hot day which naturally means grandpas are the only people who actually enjoy it.
And now it has been revealed that not only are grandpas the only ones who understand the importance of whipper snippering, for as long as edges have needed trimming they have kept the secrets on how to do the job properly.
The secret was discovered by new grandpa Graham Linearly (58) who found the leather bound tome titled The Laws Of Whipper Snippering where no one would ever look for it; in the shed behind some old paint tins.
According to Linearly, he was then approached by an occult looking group of old men wearing Bunnings straw hats over dark green polo cloaks that read on the back ‘Bean There, Dug That’.
“One of them was their leader, he wore a sort of crown made of whipper snipper cord,” stated Linearly in an exclusive interview with The Advocate.
“They then began telling me the long-kept secrets of effective whipper-snippering from how to best cut round a Hills Hoist and how to do the edges of flower bed while only destroying half of your wife’s flowers. As they were demonstrating I asked if there was a secret method and they kept telling me ‘there’s no tricks, it’s just common sense’. We were all so sweaty.”
“Then they told me it was time to sign the book and they brought out a ceremonial whipper-snipper with sharpened blades. I started to run but I tripped and then they grabbed me and started pulling my leg just like I’m pulling yours now! Haha!”
Our reporting team then asked Linearly why he was wearing a length of green plastic cord as a bracelet, immediately prompting him to ask us if we can help him record tonight’s episode of Midsomer Murders even though it’s ‘a bloody repeat again’.
