LOUIS BURKE | Society | Contact
In a whelming turn of events, today has been a slow news day, a concept that would have once bored us but these days comes as a welcome God damn relief.
During the early stages of televised news it was not uncommon for a broadcaster to announce that there was no news today so that old timey viewers could go back to abusing their children and murdering communists.
This practice ended at about the same time advertisers got involved with TV and put pressure on broadcasters to inflate the odd non-story so that viewers would stay tuned in.
It is for those monetary reasons that news broadcasters and publishers will stretch out every shred of a story as long it contributes to the constant cycle of unending depravity that makes you wish you were born a different species of ape.
As a result the idea of there being no news is like to make a journalist feel like 17th century seafarers trapped in a doldrum without an enslaved cargo of people to row them to safety and cultural relevance.
For real people however, the idea of a news anchor popping up his rectangular head to announce there is no news sounds like a treat that you would actually pay good money for.
In that same carefree spirit, The Advocate would like to announce that apart from the inevitable increased cost of something and a tragedy in a country you couldn’t locate on a map, everything is pretty much fine so why don’t you go and give your mum a call, do some gardening or find a consenting adult to have relations with.
More to come.
