ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Local man Dan Spencer has kicked off 2025 with a bold claim from the comfort of his bed, whispering to himself that this year is going to be different.
The statement, made at 9:03am today while still tangled in his sheets and scrolling this dreadful app, marks his latest attempt to convince himself that better days are ahead.
“Right, fresh start,” Dan muttered, staring at the false ceiling of his shitbox apartment. “This is the year I get my act together. No more bad habits. No more distractions. Just focus and positivity.”
The declaration comes after five consecutive years that could generously be described as “challenging.”
Dan, like many others, has spent the post-2019 era lurching from one disaster to another, from bushfires to a global pandemic, endless economic uncertainty, and a geopolitical situation that currently has Europe on the brink of all-out war.
Still, the optimism coursing through Dan’s hangover-fogged brain seemed unshaken.
“I can feel it,” he said, sipping the water bottle he left on his nightstand for once.
“This is the year it all starts to turn around.”
Experts would likely disagree.
Australia’s economy continues to splutter under the weight of inflation and rising interest rates, while the global energy crisis and increasingly dire climate projections are unlikely to give Dan much breathing room to finally “get on top of things.”
But for now, Dan remains blissfully unaware of these broader realities.
“I’ve just got a good feeling,” he added, ignoring his phone as a notification popped up about petrol prices hitting another record high.
By 9:17am, Dan had already resolved to “eat healthier,” despite the foil log of leftover garlic bread sitting in the fridge, and made a mental note to “start saving money,” while simultaneously browsing flights for a European getaway he can’t afford.
“This is it,” he said again, smiling to himself as if the universe might overhear.
“2025 is going to be my year.”
More to come.
