CONSTANCE RIVERA | Grievances | CONTACT
Poor local gay man Terrance Le (27) is today mourning the loss of his girl bestie Nina Porter (25), who has dumped him in favour of yet another mouth-breathing straight man.
Tragically, Nina has reportedly fallen into the gravitational pull of her new boyfriend Finn, a man described as ” 6’3, works in commercial real estate, and exclusively wears quarter-zip fleeces.”
Though Nina assures Terrence that nothing will change, sources close to the duo report she’s already flaking on their time-honoured tradition of sipping rosé and watching drag race for attending Finn’s amateur footy games.
“I knew this day would come,” Terrence said, “I’ve lost many of my close girlfriends to men. At first, it’s a few dates and I’m excited for them but then I go days without seeing them, and, they eventually move in together, become a part of his life, and I basically never see them again.”
Betoota Polytechnic Sociology Professor Felicity Patel has studied this pattern, describing it as the “Straight Man Social Black Hole.”
“The moment a woman enters a serious relationship with a straight man, her vibrant personality risks being replaced by discussions of crypto, protein intake, and whether The Sopranos is better than The Office,” Patel warned.
Terrence remains hopeful but realistic.
“Hopefully, she’ll be back in six months when she realises he is a dickhead.”
“Until then, I’ll just be over here emotionally supporting my other girl bestie—until she inevitably meets some bloke named Lachie who plays rugby.”
