LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In a cricketing event that has managed to capture the attention of even people too cool to usually enjoy cricket, the English lost the second test of The Ashes due to Australia following one of the laws the English themselves invented.
This recent entry into the continuing history of sports the English shared with the world and were never the best at ever again, the Australian cricket team are currently quite literally beating England at their own game and providing some of that national pride that Scotty really could have done with during his time as PM.
One horrible show of sportsmanship and shocking new learning is the revelation that the English quite like to have a whinge and will do so when the laws they wrote are followed to a tee.
“That is not what any of this is about,” stated noted whinger Piers Morgan, who would be the human equivalent of a whoopee cushion if anyone was ever demented enough to sit on him.
“Obviously I hate cancel culture but the Australian cricket team needs to be put in the stocks if they think they can win this game by playing by the rules.”
“This is exactly the sort of ugly behaviour people have come to expect from the colonies. And you wonder why we continue to colonise you.”
“Thank God that Her Majesty is not here to see this…”
Morgan is not the only member of the empire to be outraged by a perfectly legitimate play as many members of the English media have accused Australia of being unprofessional and big stupid knob heads.
“They’re just back to their cheating ways,” stated Morgan, proving that the English are big time whingers who just don’t get The Ashes.
“I’m sorry if this sounds like whinging to you but also I’m not sorry because you’re not listening to facts and the fact is what Carey did is technically correct but it’s not gentlemanly and everyone knows the better gentlemen win otherwise it’s communism pure and simple, have I made myself clear?”
At the time of writing, it is believed that English officials are hoping to make whinging their next national sport which they can be the best at for about five years before another country learns to school them at that too.
MORE TO COME.
